


A Matter of Perspective

by ChiseHatori (orphan_account)



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Crack, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25962541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ChiseHatori
Summary: Actual game mechanics written into the world and perceived by a third party person or monster. Or: All the monsters think that Link is a psycho serial killer.Prompts include: Link's casual murder rampage on bokoblin camps, Link bankrupting a small town business, and Link's ability to eat amidst a battle while the monsters just watch.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	A Matter of Perspective

Prompt: A bokoblin family is slaughtered in a ruthless attack on their encampment. Or: Link goes about his day as usual while an entire family is traumatized. 

A bokoblin named Fred had settled his family into an encampment near the Great Plateau. It was a fine establishment with raised towers for archery and a cavernous skull-shaped cave to take shelter in. The perimeter was well guarded with various spiked obstacles and barrels. 

He was never sure what they were protecting themselves from until that day. 

While Fred watched his two sons dance around their tidy little campfire, a figure emerged from the forest. Standing in the tree line was a small youth with a hood masking his features. Fred squinted in the distance as his suspicion began to rise. He was just considering whether or not to draw his boko club when the mysterious stranger darted back into the bushes. 

Fred felt more at ease once the figure was out of his sight. The danger had seemed to pass. He went back to idling around the mouth of their home. 

Suddenly, the shrill sound of a bullhorn cut through the air as his wife leapt up and down from one of the towers. Just when she was pulling the string back on her bow to fire an arrow, something whizzed through the air and knocked her from her post. 

Fred snapped to attention and readied his club. His wife writhed on the ground with a single shaft lodged in her left eye. She shrieked with despair as she turned to violet vapor right in front of Fred. The anguish that blossomed inside his chest made him roar in absolute rage. 

The figure from before was letting arrow after arrow fly into their home. Some of them were coated in ice, while others exploded as soon as they came in contact with the ground. It felt like a siege was being laid against their encampment, yet only one person was visibly aiming at them. 

Eager to avenge their mother, the children drew their own clubs from their backs and started forward. In a flash of movement, the human had stowed his bow in exchange for a wicked sword with an illuminated blade. The strange boy swung his weapon through the air and managed to hit his target. Fred’s youngest son screamed as he dissolved into vapor. The other was easily dispatched by a vicious lunge to the chest that sent it reeling through the air. 

Within moments, the human had completely slaughtered Fred’s entire family. He was numb with pain; the only thing that he could feel was his iron clad grip on the club in his hand. The killer was running over the ground to gather the last remnants of his wife and children. Fred seethed – the human didn’t seem to consider him a threat at all. 

He was determined to prove that wrong. Fred yelled with all his might and charged forward, his boko club held high over his head to deliver the killing blow. His throat was raw from grief. Fred easily closed the gap between himself and the human. He attacked without care for his own safety. He was more than willing to sacrifice himself to avenge his family.  
Alas, the human simply wacked Fred away with his sword. The strike stunned the poor bokoblin, causing him to drop his club. With one final thrust, Fred was lying face first on the dirt. The human darted away to loot the inside of their home, but Fred could not move. He was already dissipating into oblivion. 

In Fred’s last moments, he was only comforted by the thought of joining his wife and children in the ether.

\--

Prompt: That kid is too young to have this many rupees. Or: A store employee watches helplessly as Link buys out the entire stop.

Barbra watched in fascination as the young Hylian boy laid three pristine diamonds on the counter. The thrift shop employee couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that this teenager had acquired so many gems. However, she offered a decent payment to him regardless of his strange merchandise.

The diamonds were exchanged for 1,500 rupees. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, the boy placed nineteen luminous stones before her. Barbra’s eyes widened in awe, but the customer stared at her without so much as a twitch in his mouth. She had no choice but to take the stones in return for more money. At this point, the boy could have easily bought out her entire stock of items in the store. 

Yet, he still was unfinished. One transaction after another emptied Barbra’s pockets of all her rupees. She would surely go broke at this rate. She could only do so much with so many gemstones at her disposal. In the course of only a few minutes, the boy had quite possibly become the wealthiest man in the entire village. 

She, on the other hand, had acquired a hefty amount of amber, flint, rubies, and diamonds. The floor behind the counter was covered in them. If she didn’t watch her step, she would more than likely shatter one of those precious stones. 

Lastly, the Hylian boy sold her the worst of all: monster guts. The squishy, slimy organs emitted a foul scent that made her eyes water. She gagged at the mere sight of them, but politely offered a handful of rupees for them anyway. Barbra wish she could have declined. The thrift store was going to go bankrupt before she could put these items to any use. 

Thankfully, the boy had apparently finished selling his wares. She wished him a good day and hoped to the goddess that it would be the last time she ever saw him. But luck was not on her side that day, as the teenager had now taken to glancing over the arrows and food items displayed around the store. 

In a surprising twist, the boy decided to purchase her entire stock of wooden arrows. He bought the wrapped and singular ones without so much as a moment’s hesitation. Then, he got the fire arrows, too. With a completely straight face, he also picked out three vials of milk, three bundles of Hylian wheat, and two mushroom caps on the opposite wall. 

By the time the Hylian boy had finally left the item store, Barbra’s shelves were entirely bare. He had purchased everything she owned. She would have to put in extra hours to completely restock the displays before the week was over. 

Barbra was left with a bare store, very few rupees than she had before, and a pile of gems and moblin guts that she had no idea what to do with.

\--

Prompt: A group of Lazalfos watch as the Hero manipulates time to stuff his face with apples. Or: Link takes a break mid-battle to heal up!

They were certain that they had him cornered. The so-called Hero of Hyrule was backed against a cliffside overlooking the valley. Unless the warrior wanted to take a steep drop to his unfortunate demise, he would have to fight. 

The Lazalfos were infamous for their group initiative. They rarely traveled anywhere without their own kind. One Lazalfo could certainly do some damage on his or her own, but a pack was nearly unbeatable. It’s what made them a dangerous foe to be reckoned with in the first place. Their combined abilities could take down anything. 

When the Hero had stumbled upon their little encampment, they were gung-ho about killing him. He had managed to take down one or two of them, but they had snuck in quite a few good hits themselves. The Hylian boy was obviously reaching his physical limits. He was breathing heavily with effort. His sword hung limp at his side as the Lazalfos advanced to close in on their prey. One Lazalfo swished his long reptilian tail side to side in anticipation. This time, they would kill him.

Or, so they thought. 

The entire world seemed to suddenly freeze in place. The Lazalfos struggled in vain as their limbs refused to move. They were trapped in mind and body, but the Hero seemed completely fine. In fact, the Hylian was digging through his satchel (where did he get that?) at his own leisure now. 

The Lazalfos could only watch in unblinking horror as the boy opened his mouth wide to shove apple after apple down his gullet. The lightning fast speed at which the Hero was pushing the fruit into his mouth was both fascinating and disgusting. The apples seemed to disappear before their very eyes as the Hylian endlessly retrieved them from his bag to swallow another. 

Meanwhile, the boy’s strength seemed to be returning. His posture was no longer a slouch – he was standing with his back straight and tall. The exhaustion that had permeated his body only seconds ago had vanished, replaced by renewed strength.

Then, after he had consumed at least sixteen apples, the Hylian pulled out an entire meal: a pristine plate with a slab of steamy roast beef and sauteed mushrooms. It was like a never-ending bag of tricks. And - just as before - the Hero wolfed it down within a split second. He followed it with a colorful elixir that seemed to further sharpen his focus. 

The Hylian’s satchel disappeared. The boy looked quite untroubled and calm, despite everything that had just happened. The Lazalfos were speechless. How could they possibly take down such a strong foe? The Hero could continually manipulate time whenever he pleased to heal. It was undoubtedly the most unfair advantage that the Lazalfos had ever experienced. 

When the Lazalfos could move again, they ambushed the boy all at once. However, they were no match for him. He quickly dispatched the group without so much as a bead of sweat on his forehead. 

The Lazalfos cursed the Hero in death, but they assured themselves that they would be successful after the next blood moon.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone got some weird ideas? I'd love to continue this.


End file.
